absurdity

  today was a long long day. went to band prac after CIP. gosh, felt so empty. like, there were so little people there..no atmostphere O.O .. after that had monthly ministry meeting.
CY shared about the the levites, how they constantly bathe (O.o)  to remind them themselves to purify themselves before God.
they went one round to share about how, in their own ways, purify and make themselves right before God. and i really felt like digging a hole to burry myself at that point.every single one of them gave answers, of how they did what, like, some said reading the bible, some said spiritual journal-ing etc?
all except me. the question was how. and i didnt do anything?
somehow CY understood straight away that i...didnt make an effort to do any sort of quiet time? so he asked me what i want to do. probably no one noticed, but i nearly couldnt control myself - i realised i havent thought of that for a long time, as if i had given up on God.
 i really dont know how to explain, but i really feel like i was falling back. everyone of them was making an effort to purify themselves, to seek after God with a pure heart. and over the past 2 to 3 weeks, as i reflect, i realised that i have been falling back a lot. not doing quiet time hardly crossed my mind or made me feel guilty anymore. its like i only pray when i need God, if not i put Him aside.
today pastor Bob Sorge preached about Loyalty.
"loyalty functions in wisdom - the understanding of the grace of God is why we are Loyal to Him."
the Grace of God. that kinda woke me up. all this time i was letting go already, i wasnt caring anymore. i spent all my time putting the things of the world in front of everything else, in front of God Himself.
  i dont know, i nearly fell alseep during parts of the sermon, but i guess it was a kind of wake up call.
ps Bob Sorge ended powerfully by getting people to prove their loyalty to God by coming to the front.
i went, and i guess i prayed (a part of) the sinner's prayer again.

God, im sorry for falling back from you over the week, im sorry for putting anything else in front of You. Lord, thank You for being with me this week, even though i couldnt feel you, but i know You were there for me during the week, and will be right here looking after me for the rest of my life. God i just want to commit my entire life unto Your hands once again, amen.