absurdity

What i dont have, i dont have.
its just so hard to be contented with what i have now.
i have like one million questions swimming around in my head..
and im supposed to be doing homework=='''

i may be going on a break...still considering it.
it may not really be God's calling for me to sing..

i really, REALLY want to serve Him with my voice..
but, i joined for all the wrong reasons..well, some are wrong.

i really need a break to sort out my thoughts.
maybe this week in Vietnam will do...

today's worship really pushed me to think about
why i joined this ministy in the first place...

when i first agreed to join,
it was with a heart to actually serve God..
but i really seem to be straying..

yesterday's sermon was about the Ten Commandments.
and what was in my mind was that,
what if this ministy has become an idol for me?
as in..you know what i mean.

"you shall have no other gods before Me."
what if this ministry have become a little 'god' for me?
it is something that i look forward to every week...

but yst's sermon shook me a bit.
what if there was no ministry? no fellowship?
would i come back for God and God alone?

i dont know.

and i just..feel so...lost.
is that why i dont hear God?
is that why...?

i do worship Him.
but it's just that..
i might not be even standing there if there was no ministry..
if there was no Megalife.
if there was just. an empty Chapel.