absurdity

Piying told me something yesterday.
during cell, her cell leader asked her,

"have you ever liked a boy before?"
"....err.."*Nods head a little*
''' you want to find out more about him, spend as much time as you can with him right?''
*nods head*
"would you do the same thing if it was God? would we want to find out more about Him?"

That really struck me. if we could spend so much time daydreaming about, looking out for, finding out about the person we like..what about God?
Shouldnt He take the first place in our lives?

if we could spend so much effort for the guy/girl we fancy, why not stop and take just a moment to be with God? He loved us so much, and even sacrificed His own Son to die for our sins, to pay the price for us. God who created us, who loved us, who clothed us and fed us, shouldnt we spend twice the effort for Him? no, not twice, much more than that.

"God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."
1 Corinthians 1:9 (New International Version)

i really dont know, but why is it that i dont exactly feel guilty for not doing quiet time? maybe i have been putting aside all these feelings.

i dont want to sing, "i love You, Sweet Jesus" and not mean it.
i dont want to be praising God with all my heart only on saturday,
and neglect Him all other days.

and somehow, when i attend service, it just dosent seem right.
i may praise Him, and i do want to mean it, but it just seems like i cant.
im from a christian family, have attended superlife and subsequently megalife for so long,
yet i feel like such a weak christian. i've always wanted to have this close, intimate relationship with God, but now i cant bring myself to hope. i dont want to be disappointed again.
like each time, when i wait and wait, and nothing happens.

i have seen others being so strong, so filled with faith. i have heard others speaking of what God has revealed to them. that is what have kept me going. but im not satisfied.
im not satisfied with knowing God through others, not satisfied with just simply believing because of what God told them. i want that relationship with God. I want to speak to Him without having ever worry if He would answer. I want to know when He is speaking.

i want that faith, i want my faith.








God, please dont let me go. dont let me slip.